The Fellowship of Random Parodyness
by FrescaPower
Summary: When Galadriel accidentally sends all the movie scripts through a paper shredder, the characters must improvise. Randomness ensues. A parody of the Fellowship of the Ring. NOW COMPLETE!
1. Prologue and A Somewhat Expected Party

_A Parody of the Rings: The Fellowship of Random Parodyness_

**A/N:**Due to somewhat popular demand, this Lord of the Rings Parody will continue! Elrond's Council of Random Parodyness will appear in a later chapter (only 3 or 4 away) for those of you who have read it already, so don't worry it'll be back, only this time as part of the whole story. If you can think of a better name, please tell me so in the reviews since it's kind of a lame title that I thought of at the last minute cuz I wanted to get the story out. Some of the names of places (but not characters) are changed to make the story more parody-ish. Besides that…  
**Warning**: due to some very ugly orcs, 70's special effects, and the fact that FrescaPower doesn't own LOTR, reader discretion is advised. Well, not really.

_**Chapter One: Prologue**_ and _**A Somewhat-Expected Party**_

_Prologue_

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…" said a mysterious woman's voice from nowhere.

The _Star Wars _opening theme played for several seconds then skidded to a halt.

There was the sound of shuffling papers and the same voice. "Er… and now, for _Lord of the Rings: Superman and the Justice League_"

The_ Superman_ theme played then stopped.

More shuffling of paper. "And now, for _Harry Potter and the Fellowship of the Ring_."

_Harry Potter_ music was played. The complete soundtrack from all the movies continued for five hours straight until the orchestra collapsed from exhaustion.

"Is this supposed to be a concert or a LOTR story?" cried generic orc number five angrily.

"Sorry…" said the voice, who by now you should have realized was Galadriel. If you didn't, then watch the _Fellowship of the Ring_ again. If you haven't seen _Fellowship_, then you probably shouldn't be reading this story.

There was more paper shuffling, then a laugh "Ha, here it is!"

The _Lord of the Rings_ music 'The Prophecy' played.

Galadriel began to talk quietly and seriously. "The world is changing. I can feel it in the water. I can feel it in the earth. I can smell it in the air. Much that once was has been lost…for none now live who remember it…

The movie title_ Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring _appeared on the screen.

Galadriel went back to her normal voice and said to the Director "Uh…none of this makes ANY sense.

"Not my problem. Get back to work!" said the Director.

Several other characters began to complain.

"Stop complaining or I'll fire the lot of you!"

The complaining continued until there was a loud shredding noise.

"It appears the scripts were _accidentally _sent through a shredding machine. I thought they were my phone bills," said the elf-queen innocently.

"How could over a dozen three-hour scripts be shredded so quickly?!" said the Director, dumbfounded.

"Who cares? Now I guess we'll all have to improvise…"

"Yay! Improv!" cheered all the characters.

"Oh, this is just wonderful! This'll be the end of my career, no doubt!" the Director walked off.

Galadriel walked up to a laptop with a projector. The images on the laptop were displayed on a larger screen. Galadriel opened an existing PowerPoint presentation, and clicked 'View Show.'

"There was a place called Middle, and in all directions, Earth"

The first slide (1.) showed a map of Middle Earth

"A bunch of Rings were made for some important people. Three for elves…"

(2.) Three hands with a ring on each.

"7 for dwarfs."

(3.) Seven hands with rings.

"And 9 for mortal men doomed to die. Die I tell you, DIE!"

(4.) 9 hands with rings.

"Some guy named Sauron made the last."

"Yes? What do you want?" a green half-pterodactyl half-man popped his head into the room.

"Not the X-man, the other villain with the same name who came first."

"Oh," he said, disappointed, and left.

The next slides depicted (5.) Sauron beating a hammer and anvil, (6.) he looks up, waving and (7.) hits his hand with the hammer, with a speech bubble above him that had the letters/symbols 'OW! 'in it.

"One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...whatever the hell _that's_ supposed to mean"

(8.) The ONE Ring. Ominous music plays.

"He made the ring so he could take over the world."

(9.) The words "GENERIC MOTIVES" in big letters

"There was a huge war that took place outside of Mordor."

(10.) Orcs, men and elves, which were comprised of _Lord of the Rings_action figures, Legos, and Playmobil figures, since they can't afford to pay extras.

"The king of Gondor tried to kill him, but it turned out to be vice –versa."

(11.) Elendil tries to kill Sauron, (12.) he's killed instead.

"It was then Isildur, son of Elendil, who took up his father's sword."

(13.) Isildur has sword on one hand pointing at Sauron and with his other hand he is flicking off Sauron.

"Unfortunately, Sauron dashed it to pieces."

(14.) Broken sword and Isildur with a sad face.

"_But _Isildur used it to hit the finger on which Sauron had the ring."

(15.) Isildur cuts off Sauron's finger. (16.) Sauron's finger with ring on ground, Isildur leaning over it, poking it cautiously, with Sauron comically collapsed dead in background.

"- That's weird, how can cutting off his finger be fatal?"

"Maybe he's a hemophiliac!" shouted generic orc three.

"Yeah, maybe…" Galadriel continued, "Sauron was defeated, and Isildur took the ring. Like in all fantasy films, humans are greedy idiots, so it's no wonder that he kept it instead of destroying it."

(17.) Isildur holding ring with the look of insanity on his face.

"But then he was murdered, so the ring was lost."

(18.) Isildur is attacked. Sound FX sound of arrow going through Isildur at high speed.

"Thousands of years later, this freakish creature called Gollum found it."

(19.) Gollum with it _"My precioussssssssssss!" _

"That's great, shut up. Then another 500 years passed and a Hobo called Bilbo found it."

(20.) Bilbo with it _"My precioussssssssss!"_

"You're not possessive of it yet! Anyway, he was on an adventure, and when he came back to HoboTown, he was rich."

(21.) Bilbo with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money.

"He adopted his nephew, Frodo-"

(22.) Frodo

"When Frodo's parents died. And now the story begins several decades after Bilbo found the ring…"

_The Somewhat-Expected Party_

Frodo was leaning against a tree and reading when he heard Gandalf coming. He ran up to Gandalf, and then stopped.

"You're late!"

"A wizard is neither early nor late Frodo Baggins, he comes exactly when he means to.

And by that I mean late, unless he wants to get in line early for the latest _Inheritance _book. I swear, that author stole my character!"

"It's wonderful to see you again Gandalf!" said Frodo happily.

"You too my boy!" _God, I hate this kid, _thought the wizard.

"Here, you can help me carry these fireworks," said Gandalf, handing Frodo a huge bag filled with fireworks.

"Wow, you brought a lot."

"Yep, every kind you can imagine. Sparklers, roman candles, mini, big, legal and illegal, ones I made myself, and more besides. It should last a few months."

"Uh… the party's only for one night."

"Now you tell me!"

"So all of HoboTown celebrated Bilbo's 111th Birthday, using all the fireworks Gandalf brought, except for the illegal ones which were found by the sheriff and confiscated," said Galadriel. "After much drinking, in which several Hobos got arrested for rude behavior (don't ask), Bilbo left for RiverDeli, leaving Frodo Bag End along with all his belongings, including what Gandalf found out to be the Ring of Power. Gandalf told Frodo to go to the Prancing Pony, and since Sam Gamgee, Frodo's gardener was eavesdropping on them in hopes of getting the latest gossip, he came too as punishment."

"_What did you hear?"_

"_Well, nothing really, just something to do with an evil ring and something about the end of the world is all."_

_Remember kids, eavesdropping is all right, as long as you don't get caught._

"They ran into Frodo's cousin Pippin and Pippin's cousin Merry. After they tumbled down a hill Pippin almost ran into some dung, and they also ran into some mushrooms. Then a creepy emo guy riding a horse, who they assumed was looking for the ring, almost ran into them. After running into many other things, they arrived at the Prancing Pony Inn…"


	2. Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

A/N: FrescaPower doesn't own LOTR, Monty Python, or any of the other numerous things made reference to!

**Chapter 2: The Prancing Pony**

The Hobos arrived at the Inn, and met a doorkeeper.

" 'Ello, 'Ello, _'Ello_, who's this?" said the doorkeeper, a man with a British accent who repeated everything he said three times for some unknown reason.

"We're Hobos who wish to stay at the inn," said Frodo.

"What's your business here, what's your business here, _what's your business_ _here_?"

"We have a magic ring, dementor cosplayers are chasing us, and we're meeting Gandalf so he can tell us what to do next."

"Pippin!"

"Sorry," said Pippin meekly.

"You may enter, you may enter, _you may enter."_

The Hobos went in and were greeted by the owner of the Prancing Phony.

"Hullo! What's your name?"

"Er, Mr. Underhill. We're looking for Gandalf. Is he here?" asked Frodo.

"Uh, Gandalf…Gandalf…oh, yeah- the old guy with a grey beard?"

"Yeah!" said Frodo

"Wooden staff, grey cloak and pointy hat?"

"Yeah that's him!" said all the Hobos.

"Never seen 'im," said the innkeeper quickly.

The group sat down in the bar to have a drink. Merry got up, left, and returned with a large mug of ale.

"What's that?" asked Pippin.

"This, my friend, is a gallon!" replied Merry.

"They come in gallons?" said Pippin, standing up, "I'm getting one!"

"You've already had 3 pints!" protested Merry.

"So?"

The cousins began to argue.

"What's wrong Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam. "That guy in the corner is creeping me out!" said Frodo, pointing to a hooded man sitting in the corner. Frodo put on the ring.

Immediately he was thrown into a world of sunshine and happiness. Care Bears, Tellitubies, flowers and cute fluffy critters danced around in a circle merrily.

"AGH! This place is even creepier!" Frodo pulled off the ring just as the same man who had been staring at him a moment ago grabbed him by the collar.

"Come with me 'Mr. Underhill' "

Other hobbits attacked the mysterious hooded man. Merry was holding a broken beer bottle. Sam started to hit the man over the head with a chair leg. Pippin was walking around drunkenly.

"Get off me! I know what hunts you!" said the man, fighting them back.

"A likely story!" said Sam, continuing to hit him with the chair leg.

"Well, I wasn't expecting a sort of Spanish Inquisition!"

A jarring note, signaling the entrance of the Spanish Inquisition people, played as three men dressed in bright orange-red robes dashed into the room.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" said a man dressed in orange with a matching plume hat.

"When did we get the permission to use this sketch?" questioned Frodo.

"We didn't! We didn't get permission for anything, and half the stuff in this play is from something else anyway!" said the man whose name has not been given yet (how suspenseful!). He turned to the Spanish Inquisition. "Sorry…you have to leave."

"Aw, but I had a great sketch –"

"_No_! Don't say _anything_else! We're already facing six other lawsuits of copyright infringement!" The man pushed them towards the door. "Leave - _now_!"

"We're supposed to be the feared Spanish Inquisition! You've ruined us! Ruined us!" The door closed, then opened again. The leader of the Inquisition stuck his head out and said, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer!"

The man turned to the Hobos "Okay… you're being chased by dementor cosplayers riding on horses that are supposed to be black but are actually brown, right?"

"Yeah…"

"I thought so. They're called Ringwraiths. They seek the Ring."

"Well, _obviously_," said Sam.

"I am Strider. I will help you escape from them."

"If you're 'Strider', how come the name one your backpack says 'Aragorn'?" asked Sam.

"Er… pay no attention to the name on the backpack!" Strider grabbed the backpack away from Sam.

To Be Continued…


	3. The Script Survives?

Chapter 3: The Script Survives?

"This is Weathertop. We will rest here for the night. Here, take these swords."

Strider gave the Hobbits swords that just happened to be Hobbit-sized swords. Later that night, Sam, Merry, and Pippin got the munchies (they had been smoking a lot of Longbottom leaf lately…) so they made a fire to cook the food. They had also pilfered some of Gandalf's fireworks from the party, so they set some off, which could be seen for miles around.

"You want some more bacon, Sam?" said Merry.

"No, I'd rather eat spam," said Sam, pulling out a can of spam.

"Yes, but I like ham," said Merry, and unwrapped a leg of ham.

"Well, it's better than moldy jam."

"What the are you talking about? " said Pippin

"We have no idea," said Sam, "We started rhyming for no particular reason."

"Alright, let me try then. I like to eat oranges."

Silence.

"Leave it to Pippin to choose the only un-rhymeable word…"sighed Merry.

Frodo, the only one who had been sleeping, woke up and came over to them.

"What are you doing?!" cried Frodo

"Sausages, tomatoes, and nice _crispy_ bacon!" said Merry.

"Do you want some?" inquired Sam.

"Put it out you fools, put it out!" Frodo stamped on the fire with his foot, but immediately after that hopped on one foot, clutching the burnt one "Owwww! My foot!"

Just then, they heard Ringwraith screeches. The Hobbits drew their swords as the Wraiths entered in a semicircle. Each Wraith had a number, ranging from 1 to 9, on the front of his costume.

Merry, Pippin, and Sam lamely tried to fight off the Wraiths, but they were pushed aside as the Wraiths went for Frodo.

"Will you give me the ring, please?" said Wraith 1 politely.

Frodo crossed his arms and said with attitude,Why should I? I mean, you guys are, like, so not scary! I mean, you can't even suck out people's souls, and all you are is just freaky undead humans who have been twisted by Sauron's evil. You're not even something like a weird other evil bird-like species…"

"Enough of your petty but true insults! Will you give us the Ring or not?" said Wraith 1.

"Do what he says, or we'll have to take it from you." said Wraith 2.

"No."

"He leaves us no choice," said Wraith 3.

Wraiths 4 and 5 tickled Frodo with a feather. Wraith 1 went for the Ring.

Just then Strider came in (it's about freakin' time!) and attacked them with a torch.

"You like it hot?!" he roared, swinging the torches in every direction.

"Did you know you can write your name with that in the air if you wave it around fast enough?" said a Wraith, hoping to distract the Ranger.

"Really?" Strider waved the torches around even more wildly. One of the torches flew out of his hand and into the face of a Wraith. Realizing that he had to save Frodo, Strider stopped trying to write his name in the air and turned to the rest of the Wraiths.

Wraiths 1-5 ran away and he set 6 and 8 on fire.

"Ahh! Run away! Run away!" shrieked 1,2,3,4, and 5.

"Ah! I'm melting, I'm melting!" screamed Wraith 7, who was on fire.

"You can't melt, we're practically immortal!" said Wraith 6, "Besides, I'm supposed to be on fire! See! It says here in the script-" he pulled out a script, "- 'he set 6 and 8 on fire'"

"Um…er…" Wraith 7 ran off screen.

Wraith 8, who was also in fire, had been listening to the conversation between the two. "Be thankful you actually know your lines…" he said to Wraith 6.

"Hey, I thought there weren't any scripts left!" said Wraith 9.

"I… um…uh… got it off eBay?!" said 6.

"Get him!" shouted 8

Wraiths 8 and 9 chased after 6.

Sam ran over to Frodo "Strider! Something ain't right with Mr. Frodo!" Frodo has been laughing uncontrollably since Strider had entered the scene.

Strider picked up the feather "He's been tickled and stabbed by a feather."

"A feather? A bloody _feather_? How the _hell_ is that supposed to be deadly?"

"Well, it seems that Frodo is allergic to them."

"Oh."

"This is beyond my skill to heal; we must get him to Riven-Deli. The best place west of the Moldy Mountains to get cold cuts."

"Didja hear that? We're finally going to eat some decent food. Yippee!" exclaimed Sam, dancing around in delight.

"What about the elves?" said Pippin.

"Oh yeah…We're going to see the "oh-woe-is-me-I-can't-stand-immortality, Ha-ha-I-have-pointy-ears-and-you-don't" elves. Yippee." said Sam dully and waved his arms unenthusiastically.

Everyone exited, and Galadriel voiced over again.

"Frodo was able to get to Riven-Deli just in time, thanks to the uselessness- er, help - of Arwen. Elrond healed his wound. Next time on _Eragon_ - I mean, _Lord of the Rings_: Gandalf goes into a long and boring flashback of where he was, and where we break a record for random references in a single chapter…somehow."

To be continued…


	4. Elrond's Council of Randomness

_A/N: this chapter has 2 titles (I couldn't decide on one!)_  
**NotSoSeriousWarning:** The following chapter is rated 'R' for 'Random.'

* * *

**Chapter 4: Elrond's council of Randomness **A.K.A. **'Of Moths, Memory Loss, and Metaphors'**

"Wow, RiverDeli sure is cool," said Frodo as he munched on a slice of proscuitto, "But enough about this place, what took you so long, Gandalf?"

"I was… er… _delayed."_

* * *

"Join me, Gandalf, or die," said Saruman.

"Let me get back to you on that," said Gandalf.

After spending countless weeks at the top of Isengard, Gandalf still hadn't decided. He was also very hungry. So when he caught a moth, he was happy to have some food, even though it was a poisonous moth that would result in a slow and painful death if consumed.

"Finally, something to eat."

"Spare me! Spare me! I am a magical moth! Spare me and you will be rewarded!" said the moth in a high squeaky voice.

"Alright, but you'd better find me a way to get off this tower, or get me some food. Either or is good."

A few days later…

"So, have you decided yet?"

"Nope!"

"I have come back!" said the moth in its annoyingly high squeaky voice.

"Yes! Food!"

Gandalf jumped off tower, onto an eagle's back.

"Close call there, Gandalf," said the eagle

"And who are you?"

"What? Don't you remember? I was in _The Hobbit_."

"No one ever read _The Hobbit_ or saw the little-known animated feature. And neither did I. Now lead me to food!"

* * *

"Uh…Gandalf?"

"So does that answer your question, Frodo?"

"That was fifteen minutes ago! You've been spacing out drooling and mumbling something about food."

"…"

* * *

Arwen handed Aragorn a necklace. "I want you to have this. It's called the…the…"

"Evenstar?" said Aragorn.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"You just said you were going to give it to me."

"Oh, yes. I want to give it to because… because…"

"You love me so much that you will forsake the immortal life of your people."

"Yes, yes. Good luck on your… your…"

"Quest to try and destroy the Ring of power."

"Yes. And make sure you don't get yourself killed!" Arwen walked away."Now, where am I going?"

"Why the _hell_ is my girlfriend an elf with short-term memory loss?"

* * *

The scene came to a group of 4 elves including Elrond sitting in chairs in a circle, with a circular stone table in the middle. There were 6 empty chairs.

"Now, all in favor of lifting the drinking ban for elves under 2000 years say 'Yo'" said Elrond.

"YO!" yelled all the elves.

"All who oppose?"

"Nay," said a random old guy who was not an elf standing in the corner.

Two men in black came out, wearing sunglasses.

"Sir, if you would just look here…" said the first one as he pulled out a memory-eraser laser. The elves put on sunglasses. There was a flash of red light.

The Old Guy Who Was Not an Elf turned around.

"AHHH! Pointy-eared people!" he shrieked as he pointed at the elves.

He turned back to face the MIB. They flashed the light again and dragged him away.

"Now that that is out of the way, we can move onto more pressing matters," said Elrond, removing his sunglasses.

"What, that wasn't a pressing matter?!" exclaimed one of the elves, and left.

"Well that worked out nicely. Now we have an extra seat. But as I was saying, the shadow of Mordor is growing and the Ring of Power has been found. I have called a council with the other peoples of the land."

Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Frodo, and Gandalf entered, sat down and four of them introduced themselves.

"Hi, I'm Boromir. I'm your average egotistical tough guy."

"I'm Legolas. I'm an elf and have girly-looking hair."

"I am Gimli. I like to eat."

"I am Aragorn. And if any of you call me 'Eragon' I will lop off your head."

"_Aragorn_? This is Isildur's heir?" said Boromir incredulously.

Frodo looked at Aragorn, clueless.

"Shut up Boromir, you can discuss politics later!" said Legolas.

Elrond was now wearing a judge's wig and banged a gavel, shouting, "Order! Order I say! Now, let's get down to business. Frodo, the ring."

"No, it's mine!" Frodo clutched the ring.

"Frodo…"

"Noooo…"

"Frodo!"

"Nooo…"

"Give –"

"Noooo…"

"It –"

"Noooo…"

"–Now!"

"Nooooo…"

"Frodo, due to the fact that you're 583 miles, 635 feet, and 2 1/19 inches from Mordor, multiplied by the time you've had the Ring- 4 weeks, 3 days, 14 hours, 17 minutes, and 49 seconds- minus the time you've wore it- 1 minute and 27 seconds- divided by the 89 percent elfishness you are surrounded by, means you will not become overly possessive of the Ring until the next two movies in which you shall gradually –"

"Get on with it!" cried an elf.

"But –"

"GET ON WITH IT!" cried half the council.

"I'm not –"

"_GET ON WITH IT_!" yelled the entire cast. Elrond covered his ears.

"Fine…"

Frodo put the ring on the table

"One of you must journey to Mordor," said Elrond seriously, "You must climb Mount Doom and throw the ring into the flames."

"Why can't we use it for good?" interrupted Boromir.

"Why don't we just toss it into the deepest part of the ocean? If they tried to get it, the pressure would kill them," said Gimli.

"Haven't you been listening to the plot of the story?"

"Nope. It's improv, and half the plot is cut out anyway."

"That's not my point. First: if you used it for good then you'd become corrupt. Second: if you tossed it in the ocean, they wouldn't find it for centuries, but, if the ocean was to drain somehow or they got highly advanced technology, they could find it. Third: if we did that we wouldn't be able to make the 3 movies and get all the money."

"So, who will do this?" said Gandalf.

_Cricket. Cricket. Cricket._

"I wanna take it! I wanna take the Ring to Mordor!" said Frodo in a whiny voice.

"You will need my help," said Gandalf "You have my powers."

"Really?"

"No, it's just a metaphor."

"Metawhaty?"

"If by my life or death I can protect you, you have my lightsaber. And it will probably be my death, because I don't really want to protect you. You're useless and whiny. And I don't even know how to use this." Aragorn pressed a button on the lightsaber and it lopped off a nearby elf's head. "Whoopsie…"

"And you have my elastic killing devices." (Aka: rubber bands)

One of the dwarves stood up.

"And-"

But he was cut off by Gimli, who stood up quickly and said "And my axe."

Boromir stood up and said seriously, "You carry the fates of us all little one –" then, not so seriously "–so you'd better not screw this up!"

Sam appeared from behind them. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me… we need someone to … eat all the leftovers!"

"Well, we need two more, so anyone else who wants to come can. And there will probably be a lot of leftovers, blood, gore, and battles," said Elrond.

Merry and Pippin joined the group.

"We're coming too!" said Merry. "Though I dunno about the blood and gore, it sure beats a boring but safe hobbit life!"

"And anyway, you need obnoxious people on this quest… mission… thing," said Pippin

"For once in your life that includes you!" said Merry.

"Nine companions. I dub you the Fellowship of the Ring. May the force be with you."

The screen faded black as Galadriel voiced-over.

"So, the important 2 hobbits, the 2 unimportant Hobbits, the king who shunned popularity, the hillbilly elf, the rich dwarf, the ancient magician, and the-guy-who-had-a-big-ego-but-wasn't-important-because-he-was-going-to-die-at-the-end-anyway set off on a life-changing, psychologically altering, gory quest to destroy the Ring of Power."

* * *

_Next Chapter: The Fellowship sets out on their quest, trekking through the Moldy Mountains and coming across weird bird things and a weird a octopus thing. _


	5. Sierra Mist and Popsicles

**Chapter 5: Sierra Mist and Popsicles**

* * *

The Fellowship set off from RiverDeli with lots of deli meat. They traveled for a very long time, as indicated by many dramatic aerial views from the movie camera.

As they passed by some rocks, music played, each member coming on screen slowly and dramatically.

"Cool! We have are own theme music!" exclaimed Pippin, who was not yet on-screen.

Sam and Merry hit him over the head (off-screen) and hissed, "Shut up, you're ruining the moment!"

As the last few members filed past the camera, everyone noticed a bottle of Sierra Mist sitting on a nearby rock. They all dashed forward to get to it, pushing, shoving, punching, and stabbing. Aragorn got to it first, and drank it immediately.

He smiled at the camera, his teeth sparkling. "It's that refreshi-"

Legolas shot an arrow at him that barely missed. The rest of the Fellowship chased after Aragorn.

* * *

In order to recover from their trying-to-get-Sierra-Mist-inflicted wounds, they stopped to rest. Incidentally, after chasing Aragorn for several hours - then beating him to a pulp when they realized there was no Sierra Mist left - they realized they were lost.

"I think I see something," said Legolas.

"It's only a wisp of cloud," said Gimili.

"You're right, my mistake – NOT! Your height must be affecting your vision, because it's clearly not a cloud. That's right. Your height."

"At least I'm not a prissy elf who spends half his time shooting down flies with rubber bands."

"They're not rubber bands! For your information, they're elastic killing devices!"

"Yeah, well…your name sounds funny! Leg-less!"

"Stop!"

"Lego-lamb!"

"Why do I have the easiest-to-mock name?!"

"That 'cloud' is Saruman's spies!" said Gandalf. "Hide! No…wait…never mind. It's obvious, like in all movies where people try to hide from the villain's spies, that they already know we're here." The birds flew by them. Gandalf waved. "Hi there, Saruman! How's your evil plot to join up with Sauron and take over Middle Earth going?"

They started to walk. The ring fell off Frodo's neck; Boromir picked it up.

"Oooo! Shiny!It's _so _pretty! Pretty, pretty, Shiny, shiny!"

"Boromir, give Frodo the ring," demanded Aragorn.

"No!"

"Give it now."

"Noooo-"

"We're not doing this again!"

Boromir reluctantly gave the ring back.

* * *

"_So, you're going to take them over the pass of Cahadras? And what if the mountain defeats you?"_ said a Saruman voice-over.

Gandalf was fighting a boxing glove-wearing mountain. The Mountain pushed Gandalf down and went off-screen. Then a blizzard started.

"Shouldn't we be freezing?" wondered Merry.

"True. We don't even have any coats or gloves, just some capes and leather boots, and in Sam's case, a layer of fat," said Aragorn. Sam scowled.

"My gorgeous long elfin hair has magical properties that keep me from freezing!" said Legolas.

"Or maybe all the chemicals you put in your hair numbs your sense of feeling."

"That could be it." Legolas toppled over, now an elf Popsicle.

"Gandalf! We must get off the mountain and take the Gap of RawHam to my city!" said Boromir.

"No. That would take us too close to Isengard. And I'm not going back there again." He said nothing else for a minute.

"Gandalf?"

Gandalf didn't move. He had gone into flashback mode.

"Gandalf!"

"Huh? What? Food? Moths? POTATOES!" he randomly exclaimed, now knocked out of his stupor.

"Gandalf, We could go through the Mines of Morphine! My obscenely rich cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!"

"_Ah, you fear those mines don't you?"_ said a Saruman voice-over.

"WAHH! I'M HEARING VOICES IN MY HEAD!" screamed Gandalf.

The other Fellowship members gave him a worried look; some thought to themselves _Not again…_

"_It's a _voice-over_! You're not supposed to hear my voice inside your head!"_

"But to the viewers it looks like I can."

"_Well, you can't!"_

"Then stop making it look like you can!"

"Fine_. You fear those mines, don't you?"_ continued Saruman.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"_For the last time-"_

"Just to prove you wrong, we're going through the mines! Isn't that right, Fellowship?"

The Fellowship, who were either unconscious from the cold or wondering who Gandalf was talking to did not respond, mainly due to the former.

"We'll go through the Mines of Morphine!" declared Gandalf when no one answered.

"The Mines of _Morphine_?" said Boromir incredulously.

"Yes, it's not a very good name, is it?" said Gimili, and added, "And that's the second time you've said something incredulously, by the way."

"Gandalf, shouldn't you ask me first? I am the first member of the Fellowship," said Frodo.

"Maybe, but who's the brain of this operation?

"Uhhhh…"

"My point exactly."


	6. The Mines of Morphine

_A/N: I should mention... (as it pertains to last chapter) that there are not-so-well concealed commercials in this parody. Yes. Commercials. In a fanfiction. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE TAKING OVER THE TV NETWORKS!1!!1!! AND SOON THE WORLDS!!1!11!111!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!1!!1!_

_A Big THANK YOU to everyone who sent in reviews! This is the most reviews I've gotten from all my fanfictions! Thank you!And to show my thanks, virtual ice cream sundaes for everyone!_ -Hands out virtual ice cream sundaes-  
_ Enjoy Chapter 6! : )_  
-_ FrescaPower_

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Mines of Morphine**

* * *

"The doors of Durin, lord of Morphine. Speak, friend, and enter," said Gandalf.

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Merry.

"If you're a friend, you speak the password."

"But what if you're not a friend and you speak the password, could you come in?" said Pippin.

"Um…uh…er…shut up!"

He put the staff in place and said the password. The door did nothing

"It's a riddle!" said Frodo, "What's the elfish word for friend?"

"I thought you knew elfish, so you should know!"

There was a loud noise of someone stepping on something.

"Strider! You just stepped on the _melon _I was eating!" cried Sam.

The doors opened.

"Who knew? My myspace account password is the same as this one!" said Gandalf, thinking he had said the right password.

They entered. The place was covered with the bodies of dwarfs, orcs, and the occasional Mary Sue.

"This is no mine. It's a tomb!" said Boromir.

"No, I'm fairly sure it's a mine…. field," said Gimili.

"So, is the brave Gondor man with a big ego afraid of a few dead bodies and a thousand goblins?" said Legolas.

"No. You can't prove that! You can't prove anything!" He went mad with fear and attempted to run out of the mines. Aragorn grabbed hold of the back of his cape, which sent Boromir toppling to the ground.

"All in favor of going through the mines?" said Aragorn.

"Aye!" said the entire Fellowship except Boromir.

"Majority rules," said Gimili.

"I count as 7," said Boromir indignantly, still lying on the ground.

"We still outnumber you"

" -and a half?" he said feebly.

" Nope."

" 1/8?"

"Not even close."

"We now have but one choice," said Gandalf as he taped a flashlight to the wizard staff, "We must pass through the mines."

"Whatever happened to that octopus in the water?" Frodo asked Legolas as the doors shut behind them.

"He quit his day job for a better paying job as the Kraken in _Pirates of the Caribbean._"

* * *

"I have no memory of this place," said Gandalf when the group came to three doorways.

"I thought you were here before," said Sam, confused.

"Yes, but I'm getting old and senile. Who are you?"

"Ahhhhhh! We're never gonna get out!" panicked Merry as he ran around in circles. "We're, like, gonna be stranded here for the rest of our lives! And then we'll die one by one, just like in _Lost_!"

"Oh, come on, that's not what _Lost _is about! They're all dead and in purgatory," said Aragorn.

"No, they're part of a scientific experiment," said Sam.

"No, they're in a game show where it's an extreme _Survivor_and the losers get killed!" said Frodo.

"You're all wrong! They're part of a weight loss program," said Gimili.

Everyone stifled a laugh.

* * *

"I'm depressed," said Frodo, sitting next to Gandalf.

"What else is new?"

"I wish Bilbo had killed Gollum. I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. I wish I'd won the lottery."

"Who do I look like, your fairy godparent?! A-ha!"

"What?" said Merry.

"It's that way. The air smell slightly less like rotting corpses here. When in doubt, follow your nose."

Gandalf pointed to his ear.

* * *

_Sometime later will be Chapter 7, in which Frodo dies (OMG Plot Spoiler!) and so does Gandalf (OMG! Not really big plot spoiler!)_


	7. Cliche Hollywood Things

_The Fellowship of the Random Parodyness_

**Disclaimer**: FrescaPower doesn't own _LOTR_ (belonging to JRR Tolkien) or the "Rubber Band of Doom" attack of Usopp's, which is from _One Piece_ (by Eiichiro Oda)

* * *

**Chapter 7: Cliche Hollywood Things**

"Let me shed a little more light on this" ,said Gandalf, "Behold, the great Dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf."

Everyone looked up._ "_Oooo. Ah."

"Now there's an eye opener," said Sam as he snapped a photo with a disposable camera.

"Ooo! Mysterious glowy light," said Gimili, and ran into a room.

The Fellowship followed, and found Gimili staring at a tomb.

Gandalf read the inscription on the tomb. " 'Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Morphine.' I think he's dead."

"NO! HE'S JUST SLEEPING!" cried Gimili, attempting to shake the stone tomb, "SEE? SEE? COME ON BALIN, MAN, WAKE UP! NO, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THIS TWICE TO ME, MAN!"

"What's this?" wondered Merry.

"It looks like a Halloween decoration," remarked Pippin.

"What?" asked Gandalf.

Both Hobos pointed to a skeleton that resembled one of those Halloween skeletons at Wal-Mart. In its bony cobwebbed fingers was a book.

Gandalf picked up the book " 'Drums. Drums in the deep.' Well this is utter crap." He tossed it aside. "Ooo, shiny coin!"

Pipin was thinking that the skeletons would make good Halloween decorations – not to mention they would save him tons of money instead of buying those overpriced ones a Wal-Mart. He spotted a skeleton sitting on the edge of a well. Why this guy just happens to die sitting on a well – and not falls in – is a mystery, though there are suspicions that a movie crew deliberately set him there to create a plot device.

Pippin tried to remove the hand from a skeleton sitting by the edge of a well. The head rolled off into the well. The rest of the body followed along with a bucket and chains, which were connected not only to the bucket but several other corpses too. The racket woke up all of Moria and was heard all the way to Lothlorien.

Pippin smiled sheepishly. "My bad."

Drums sounded. They could hear orcs. Frodo's blade, Sting, glowed blue.

Boromir opened the door and stuck his head out just as an arrow embedded itself into the door, an inch from his face. "You call that a shot?" The next arrow caught his hair. He ran back into the room screaming, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! They have a cave troll!"

There was lots of cool fighting. Aragorn decapitated a few orcs with his light saber. Legolas shot down many with his rubber bands.

"Legolas' Elastic Killing Device of Doom!" He aimed a band at an orc's face but didn't shoot; when the orc flinched in fear of the painful rubber band sting, Legolas finished it off with his knives.

For a more detailed account of what exactly happens, play the _Two Towers_ video game.

* * *

You know those movies where the character is being chased by the evil thing and they try and hide behind something and the evil guy looks around, and then the good guy thinks the evil guy is gone when he so obviously isn't? Sad to say, this is what happened.

Frodo moved around a pillar, making sure the troll didn't see him. He sighed when he thought it was gone, but then it roared right in his face.

"Dirty mouth?" said Frodo. A trumpet fanfare played. "Try Orbit white!"

The Troll's teeth sparkled, and then he stabbed Frodo.

"GAH! This was so avoidable…curse you cliché Hollywood hiding-behind-something-and-thinking-the-bad-guy-is-gone-but-so-obviously-isn't. Orbit… White…blargh." He remained motionless.

The Troll turned away. Merry and Pippin stabbed it; it threw them off. Legolas shot two rubber bands at it and it collapsed and died.

"I don't get why we didn't fight like this to begin with," said Pippin. Everyone whacked him over the head.

Aragorn looked at Frodo. _Yay, Frodo's dead! I get the Ring! _He thought, and snatched for it.

"I'm alive," said Frodo, jumping up and scaring the crap out of everyone.

"**I wasn't trying to steal the ring! I mean…**How is this possible? That spear would have skewered a wild boar."

"Either he's the man of steel, or there's more to this hobo than meets the eye," said Gandalf.

Frodo unbuttoned his shirt to reveal the Superman 'S'.

"You're Superman?!"

"No, I got this shirt at a comic book convention…" Frodo took off the Superman shirt to reveal a Mithril coat.

"Ooo, Mithril!" Gimili tried to get it, but Legolas held him by the back of his cloak._ "_Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!"

Aragorn moped. _And I was _this_ close to eternal power and glory!_

Suddenly, they heard Orc chatter. Gandalf turned the flashlight on the staff back on.

"To the Bridge of Kats-of-Doom!"

They all ran out of tomb with Gandalf leading them. However, the Orc chatter was really just a tape recording of orcs to scare away intruders.

* * *

_Sometime soon will be Chapter 8 "The Bridge of Kats-of-Doom"_


	8. The Bridged of KatsOfDoom

_A/N: Wow, I haven't updated on this for awhile. Since…May 29th?! Sorry for making everyone wait so long and the chapter so short, but it's a good one. Enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter 8: The Bridge of Kats-of-Doom**

And so, the nine ran out of Balin's tomb, accompanied by their own theme song. However, they were quickly stopped in their tracks by a mob of crazy _Lord of the Rings_ book fans that complain about every little missing detail from the movie.

"Frodo was old in the book, not in his 20's!"

"Where's Tom Bombadil?"

"Arwen never had that much screen time in the book!"

"Aragorn was supposed to have already acquired Narsil!"

However, the crazed books fans heard a roar that sent all of them scurrying away like rats, or like books fans who complain about everything but are faced by a scene containing a very good book-to-movie adaptation. This good book-to-movie adaptation was, of course, the Balrog.

"What is this new devilry?" asked Boromir.

"Balrog," Gandalf replied dully, "It's extremely hard to defeat; all of you would die in the attempt." The wizard paused as even more ominous music played.

"Um…why aren't we running?"

"I was getting to that part, I just wanted to pause to build suspense. Run!"

Boromir, scared out of his wits, was the first to come to the stairs, nearly falling into a chasm. Legolas grabbed him by the back of the shirt.

"Whew, thanks for the save."

"Right…save…"

At this point everyone had caught up and gotten a good look at the unnecessarily steep stairs with no railings.

"Wow. You dwarves really suck at building stairs," commented Legolas.

"Yep."

* * *

"Lead them on, Aragorn!"

"Eh?"

"Do as I say! Swords are of no more use here!"

Upon hearing this, Pippin tossed his sword into the chasm.

* * *

They proceeded down the stairs and came to a gap. "No way am I jumping across that," remarked Legolas.

Just then, orcs with extremely poor aim began shooting arrows.

"Eeep! Orcs with extremely poor aim!" the elf jumped onto the other side followed by Gandalf, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Gimili. Aragorn and Frodo were left, but got across the widening gap by staying in sync with the background music. Soon they came to the Bridge of Kats-of-Doom, which was about as wide as a toothpick.

"Wow. You dwarves really suck at building bridges."

"Yep."

The Balrog had caught up with them, and was being confronted by Gandalf.

"Hey Merry, who do you think will win?"

"No one's died yet in the movie, and Gandalf is quite old and therefore the most expendable character, so I'd say – 50 BUCKS ON THE BALROG!"

* * *

"Get off the bridge! Two ton weight limit!"

The Balrog did not listen, and walked further onto the bridge.

"Move your big ass."

It continued to ignore the wizard and produced a flaming whip and a sword out of nowhere.

"MOVE - YOUR BIG ASS!"

The bridge could no longer support the demon's weight. It crumbled, falling into the chasm and taking the Balrog with it.

Gandalf sighed. "It's probably okay to turn around now and let my guard down."

Unfortunately, the whip grabbed him by the ankle, pulling him down (the irony!). He struggled to pull himself up but to no avail. If only I stayed in shape!

He looked at Frodo. "Fly, you fools!"

Aragorn looked around frantically. "We don't have jetpacks!"

Gandalf did a facepalm, causing him to fall into the chasm.

* * *

"Aragorn-aragorn-gorn-gorn!" shouted Boromir, his voice echoing.

"I can't-ant-ant hear-ear-ear you-ou-ou. These-ese-ese damn-amn-amn echoes-oes-oes make-ake-ake I-it hard-ard-ard to-o-o understand-stand-stand what-at-at you're-oure-oure saying-aying-aying

Apparently everything had gone slow motion; the orc archers were missing even worse than usual.

* * *

Whilst everyone was crying, Aragorn had a smirk on his face (Seriously – pause the movie, he does smirk!)

_Now that the old man is dead, nothing is stopping me from getting the ring! Huh? Where's Frodo? _"Frodo-odo-odo!" he called. _Damn these echoes again!_

Frodo slowly turned around. The camera did a close-up just in time as a single tear ran down his face.

"This experience has turned me emo."


	9. Creepy Foreshadowing

_A/n: I know this chapter has a lot of lines directly from the movie, but don't let that deter you! Lothlorien is so serious it's hard to come up with funny stuff and I'm still trying to figure out what I'll write for the mirror of Galadriel next chapter! I'm sure I'll come up with something good eventually. Thank you to everyone who reviewed! 47 reviews! Thank you, thank you, thank you!_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Creepy Foreshadowing**

"Hurry, we must go to Lothlorien. By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs," said Aragorn.

"Yes, but thanks to the magic of cinema we'll arrive there in less than ten seconds," said Legolas.

So they waited, and in ten seconds found themselves on the border of Lothlorien. They entered cautiously.

"_Frodo…"_ said a voice inside the Hobbit's head "_You're coming to us…you bring evil here, ringbearer…"_

Frodo began banging his head against a tree. "Get-" THWACK "-Outta-" THWACK "-My-" THWACK "-Head!" THWACK!

After waiting for Frodo to regain consciousness, the Fellowship continued on their trek through the woods.

"I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox," boasted Gimili.

"So that would make you a fawk? Or a hawx? Or a fowk or something?"

The dwarf put a hand to his ear. "WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T QUITE HEAR YOU! Ah! I can't see! It's too dark in this forest!"

A number of elves appeared out of nowhere and pointed arrows at the Fellowship.

"Huh?" Pippin turned his face towards the direction of the elf aiming at him, resulting in a poke in the eye from the arrow tip.

The elf aiming at Sam, however, had a gun.

"Er…Why do you have a gun?"

"It makes me look cool."

"…?"

"The dwarf breathed so loudly we could have shot him in the dark," said an incredibly hot-looking elf.

"Well why don't you try it then?" said Gimili indignantly.

The elf ignored him.

"Haldir," said Aragorn, and began speaking a different language, presumably elfish.

"What's he saying?" whispered an elf next to Haldir.

"I don't know. It's gibberish to me."

"Aragorn, we should go back!" said Gimili.

"In case you didn't notice," said Haldir, "We have archers, aiming at you with the intent to shoot if you so much as sneeze." Pippin, who was about to sneeze, held his breath and toppled over as a result. "You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back."

The camera turned to Frodo and Sam and panned out. Six of the Fellowship could be seen running away in the background.

Haldir snapped his fingers, and a dozen elves came out of the bushes, tackling the six to the ground then dragging them back to Haldir.

"Ahem! As I was saying…she is waiting."

* * *

_Later, in Ellesmera…er, Lorien…_

Two figures descended from the steps. A glowing light obscured their faces.

_Whoa, she's hot, _thought the Fellowship_._

The figures stopped at the bottom of the steps, their faces fully visible. It was at this moment that the eight realized they had been looking at Celeborn, whose hair was just as feminine as his wife's.

"Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him," said the elf.

"They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard! They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard! The hobbits- The hobbits The hobbits-The hobbits to Isengard!"

Everyone stared at Legolas.

"Sorry…I just couldn't help myself."

"Now for some subtle and creepy foreshadowing," said Galadriel.

"You!" cried Frodo; "You're the voice I've been hearing in my head! And you're the one who destroyed the scripts!"

"Do you want to hear the foreshadowing or not?!" Frodo did not respond. "Very well. The quest hangs on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and you will fail, to the ruin of all," she turned to Boromir and smiled creepily.

_Whew, I thought she was talking about me,_ thought Aragorn, _Good thing she diverted attention to Boromir._

"_You do realize, I can read your thoughts?"_ said Galadriel in Aragorn's mind.

_Crap!_

"Merry?"

"What, Pip?"

"Are we really standing on a knife?"

"It's a metaphor, Pippin."

"What's a metaphor, Merry?"

"I dunno."

"Merry?"

"_What_ Pippin?"

"I'm hungry."

* * *

Later that night…

"A lament to Gandalf," said Legolas.

"What do they say about him?" asked Merry.

"I haven't the foggiest."

"Legolas, why are you wearing a dress?"

"These are pajamas you nitwit!"

* * *

"My father is a noble man-," said Boromir.

Aragorn scoffed. "Clearly, you haven't seen the third movie. Coughcompletelyloonycough."

"But I would see the glory of Gondor restored. Have you ever seen it, Aragorn? The White tower of Ecthelion, glimmering like a spike of peak and silver, its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home…by the clear ringing of silver trumpets?" he turned Aragorn.

The Ranger was cleaning earwax out of his ears.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."


	10. Don't Rock the Boat

_A/N: Whoot! Second-to-last-chapter! I apologize again for the shortness and the long update (I had writer's block on this chapter) but I can guarantee that the next chapter will be the much longer!_

**Disclaimer**: FrescaPower (that's me!) does not own _Lord of the Rings_ by J.RR. Tolkien and neither does she own the song from that M&M's commercial or the song 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Don't Rock the Boat**

Galadriel slowly walked past the place where the Fellowship was sleeping. Frodo remained asleep. She walked past again. Sam snored loudly. She walked by for a third time then ran over to Frodo, kicked him, and slowly walked by yet again.

Frodo jerked awake, looked around and fell back asleep.

Galadriel threw a rock at him.

* * *

"Do you wish to look into the mirror?"

"What will I see?"

"Even the wisest cannot tell."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"-So I will explain so the audience can understand. The mirror shows many things, but not your reflection. Things that were, things that are-" she paused for a moment and said mysteriously, "And some things…that have not yet come to pass."

The audience sat there, scratching their heads in confusion. Frodo, also, was confused.

"Past, present, and future!" said the elf queen exasperatedly.

"It doesn't even show you your own reflection? Wow, you got ripped off. You should return it."

Galadriel rolled her eyes. "Just look into the mirror to see some more foreshadowing."

Frodo looked into the mirror.

"IT'S HIDEOUS!"

Galadriel did a facepalm. "That's your own reflection!"

"HOLY CRAP! I'M FAT! Oh, wait, that's just Sam…" The images in the mirror changed. "Legolas as a pirate? Now that's just crazy…" the image faded, and a new one appeared "Hobbiton is burning?! Does this mean the director will include the 'Scouring of the Shire' in the third movie where we act all awesome and kick those guys asses?"

"No."

"NOOOO! WHYYYY?! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART IN THE THIRD BOOK! What can I do to prevent such a tragedy from occurring?"

"Nothing. It is what will come to pass regardless of whether or not you actually succeed on this quest. You know what you must do. The Fellowship is breaking. He will try and take the Ring."

"Pippin?"

"Yes, _Pippin_," said the elf sarcastically.

"Then I'll give the Ring to you."

Galadriel eyed it greedily, but turned away. "Nah. If you don't find a way, no one will…except maybe Sam."

"I cannot do this alone."

"Yeah, well, it sucks to be you."

* * *

"Here's rope for you, dagger for you, long bow for you with arrows and some belts for you." she handed Sam a rope, Aragorn a dagger, Legolas a bow and arrows, and Merry and Pippin belts. She turned to Gimili. "And what would a dwarf want?"

"Beer!"

"Besides that."

"To look upon the face of Lady Galadriel one last time," said the dwarf.

"Hey! Back off shorty!" said Celeborn.

Galadriel turned to Frodo. "Here is some sort of star that you can use when all other lights go out."

"You mean like extra batteries when my flashlight goes dead?"

"Something like that."

She spoke to all of the Fellowship. "You also get these awesome cloaks which somehow make you invisible…sort of…well, not really, but they make a great fashion statement. Good luck on your quest. The fate of Middle Earth rests on your shoulders."

"We know already, stop reminding us! It's just plain depressing, that's what it is…" muttered Boromir.

* * *

The eight set off down the River in three elven boats.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream," the four Hobbits sang happily.

"Shut up, I'm trying to think!" snapped Boromir.

Merry and Pippin looked at him in amazement.

"Good for you Boromir!" "We're so proud of you!" They hugged him.

"Get the hell off me!"

"Too bad you're going to die in the next chapter."

"What?"

The Hobbits resumed their singing. "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream-"

"Quiet!" said Boromir, very irritated. "We're the ones that have to row because you're too short and weak to do it yourself! I'd like to know-"

"Where you got the notion?" asked Aragorn.

"To-"

"Rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby!" sang everyone but Boromir, rocking back and forth "Rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby! Rock the boat; don't tip the boat over! Rock the boat…"

* * *

Next Time in _A Parody of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Random Parodyness:_

The Last Chapter! The cliffhanger conclusion to the _Fellowship of the Random Parodyness_, in which Boromir gets fed up and decides to take the plot into his own hands and Aragorn is forced to give up on his plan to steal the Ring.


	11. You Will Not Be Missed

_A/N: In answer to everyone's questions as to whether or not I will continue with this parody and include the next two movies: yes, but! not immediately._

_I'm starting another story after FOTRP is complete, so it may take several months until I can create a sequel. Sorry about that, but I pronise I will continue to write humorous fanfiction!!  
__  
(FYI: my new story coming soon is a parody of the _Eragon_ movie. Tell your friends!)_

**The FINAL Chapter!: You Will Not Be Missed**

* * *

"A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind," said Legolas worriedly. The Fellowship had gone to shore to rest up.

"Are you sure it's not just Gimili?" asked Aragorn.

"No... it's something far more sinister than lack of fashion sense..."

Pippin looked around. "Where's Frodo?"

"He's off being emo."

Sam looked around. "Where's Boromir?"

"Oh no..." said Aragorn, "He's trying to follow the plot!"

"We have to stop him," said Gimili, "Who knows what evil will occur?"

"I have a plan," said Legolas. He wrote a note, then attached the note to an arrow. He shot the arrow in a random direction and it landed in the Uruk-hai camp. Lurtz unfurled it.

It read:

WHEN YOU SEE BOROMIR, SHOOT HIM.

* * *

"I'm taking the plot into my own hands!" yelled Boromir. He was, indeed, trying to follow the plot by attempting to take the Ring from Frodo.

"It would seem like wisdom," pondered Frodo, "But for the warning in my heart."

"Warning? Why do you recoil? I am no thief!"

"Oh really?" said Frodo, an eyebrow raised. "Then what happened to all the salted pork that went missing a few days ago?"

"That wasn't me, it was Gimili! Or maybe it was Sam...he's almost as fat as a dwarf...Anyway, I'm just sick of being picked on! I ask only for the strength to be popular! And maybe to defend my people," he added as an afterthought.

"You are not yourself. To be honest I was expecting this from Aragorn."

"If I you would just lend it to me-"

"No."

"I'll give you an I.O.U.-"

"No."

"Come on, I'll give you the Horn of Gondor for insurance!"

"Hmmm...No."

"What about candy?"

"Ooo! Candy!"

Frodo ran towards Boromir. Immediately Boromir dove at Frodo, but, as if expecting the attack, the hobbit put on the Ring. He kicked Boromir a couple of times then ran away.

"Honestly, did you really think I would fall for that old trick?"

* * *

"Frodo!" Aragorn had found the Ringbearer. "Where is the Ring?"

"Stay away!"

"Don't worry, I gave up my plan to steal the Ring...besides, I'm more concerned with keeping the plot from advancing than saving Middle Earth at the moment."

"Look after the others," Frodo said sadly, "Especially Sam. He still wets the bed."

Aragorn noticed that Sting was glowing. "Run, Frodo! I'll fight off the orc extras!"

Frodo ran; Aragorn began to fight the orcs, doing lots of cool stunts. Legolas and Gimili came in to aide Aragorn.

"How did you know I was here?" asked the Ranger.

"There were signs all over the forest that said 'HELP ARAGORN, THIS WAY.' "

* * *

"Frodo, hide over here!" whispered Merry.

Frodo shook his head.

"What's he doing?" asked Pippin.

"He's following the plot."

"NO!" Pippin came out of the hiding place, only to see that the band of orc extras was drawing near.

Merry looked at Frodo "Well...as long as you're following the plot... HEY! HEY YOU! OVER HERE!" Merry began waving his arms; Pippin followed suit.

"OVER HERE! WE'RE DECOYS! FOLLOW US!" shouted Pippin.

In a matter of seconds they were completely surronded. At the last second, before they were sure they would face certain death, Boromir rushed in as the intro to _Eye of the Tiger_ started to play. Boromir hacked down Uruk-hai left and right.

"It's Boromir!" shouted Merry.

"Isn't that weird?" said Pippin.

"Let's have a beer!"

"Yay! Boromir!"

Boromir was shot. The music stopped playing. Then he got back up, the music resumed, and he started fighting again.

The same thing happened. Twice in a row, in fact.

The hobbits looked on in horror instead of running away from the orcs that were trying to capture/kill them.

"Pippin..."

"What Merry?"

"It's been nice knowing you."

"Uh...Merry?"

"What, Pippin?"

"Why don't we just run?"

"I don't know...maybe we should try to avenge Boromir's impending death!"

"But I'm not dead...quite yet!" said Boromir. The hobbits ignored him.

"Yeah, good idea!" The hobbits charged towards the orcs, swords in hand. But when they reached the orcs, it looked like they were trying to hug them to death. The orcs scooped them up and carried the hobbits off.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

"Mr. Frodo!" shouted Sam. Frodo was already halfway across the river. Sam ran into the river but stopped abruptly, hopping on one foot.

"AH! GLASS! I've got glass in my foot!"

_37 stitches later..._

"Frodo!"

"Go back, Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone!"

"Of course you are! And I'm coming with you!"

"I don't see the logic in that!" Frodo continued to paddle to the other side.

* * *

The remaning Fellowship had a funeral for Boromir.

"I'm a man of few words." said Aragorn, pondering what to say. "Boromir, you were an asshole and you will not be missed." He turned to Legolas and Gimili. "Ready?"

"And a one, and a two, and a three-" the trio pushed the boat into the river. They watched it go.

"I think it's stuck on a rock," said Legolas a minute later.

"I am not going out there!" said Aragorn. "Just shoot an arrow at it or something!"

"But-"

"Geez, do I have to do everything myself?" Aragorn shot an arrow.

"You hit Boromir!"

* * *

"It has failed," said Gimili, "The plot has been followed and the Fellowship is broken.

"Hurry! After Frodo and Sam!" said Aragorn.

"Ahem!"

"Merry and Pippin? Those losers? But-well...I suppose so. Leave all that can be spared behind, including your weapons."

"Then what shall we use to fight the orcs?"

"We will discuss that while we are running!" And the three ran off.

* * *

"I don't suppose I'll ever see them again," said Frodo.

Sam took out a copy of _Return of the King _and turned to one of the last chapters, then put the book away. "We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may yet."

Frodo jumped in surprise. "Sam?! Where did you come from? I thought I ditched you!"

* * *

The screen faded to black, and the end credits appeared. Suddenly, a familiar voice spoke.

"Aragorn! Legolas! Gimili! Do not fear, for I come back to you now at the turn of the tide!"

"Next movie, idiot!" said the director's voice.

"Big deal. It's spoiled in the trailer anyway."

* * *

_A Parody of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Random Parodyness_

END


End file.
